Andrews Rants

KISSES vs. LIGHTSABERS: STAR WARS UNDER FIRE

This Past weekend I bought the latest episode of the Star Wars Saga on DVD, which is actually number 3 in a 9 series movie line up of which the actual last 3 movies have not yet been made so why this is called the final episode I cannot fathom. All my life I have been an on again off again Star Wars fan. I was on when Luke rescued Princess 'Lay Me' (my own term for Carrie Fisher's character) from detention cell block H and then I was off the fan list when the fuzzy Ewoks were introduced to help the "cuddliness factor" and bump up revenues in the toy arena. They reminded me too much of hairy Munchkins and why they would worship C3PO rather than a Wookie who would fit more into their cultural image of a deity is quite beyond me. I was on again as Yoda was introduced and then off again with the horrible Jar Jar Binks. That stupid dialect he introduced to our youth made me just want to puke and slap every little bastard that used his 3rd person Bob Dole like speech patterns. All through the Star Wars Saga we have had a classic storyline. A good guy or good group of people fighting against a bad oppressive superior force. Throw in some soap opera plot twist and a Laurel and Hardy robot team and you got yourself a winner. Why is it then I can’t stand
George Lucas’s writing style. I do believe he couldn’t write a sincere moment with drama or passion if his very life depended on it. Sure he can zap it up with the best of them and Vader is my all time favorite heavy in any movie with his commanding presence and James Earl Jones as his voice, but why, Oh why! Does he feel the need to interject characters designed to do nothing more than create sales in add on markets that are annoying and not necessary to the story line? Example the aforementioned Binks. Like any really sane senator would leave this blathering idiot as a proxy voter in an actual senate. I’m sure Amadalla's hair dresser would have been a safer bet. At least they showed some risk taking attitude with the carefully coiffure disasters she sported in the movie. Geez, why do people think futuristic means you gotta do weird stuff with your hair. I will bet you a thousand years from now a baseball cap will still be used to cover a bad hair day not some spangle blinking light contraption. But back to the story line. Lucas has two teen aged main characters supposedly in love but its unrequited love because self centered punk ass Annikin and Stuck up frigid Amadalla have to deny their feelings based upon the different paths they have chosen. When they do get together its almost comical in its blandness. Let’s face it they were two good-looking teens with “no controlling authority” as our past Vice President Al Gore would have said. I’m not saying I wanted 'nekidity' but some passion when they declared their love instead of the clinical precision we got on screen would have been much more interesting. Case in point the two are chained together about to enter an arena to face certain death and finally admit their feelings. It went something like “Hey, by the way, I love you” “Oh really, so do I” and that was it. Give me a break. I would have had them in a passionate embrace as they were wheeled out with the bad guys having to pry them out of each other’s grasp. Something anything would have been better than what we got which was zip. The passion and human element is better exemplified by the stories two non-human characters R2D2 and C3P0. They show more charisma and human characteristics, frailties and personality than any of the shallow quick quipping one liner humans Lucas populates his stories with. They are also the only consistent characters throughout the entire series. That’s right those two are supposedly in every single book of the 9 while all others come and go with the ravages of time, even the centuries old Yoda doesn’t make the full run.

I think the reason the series did so well with episode 4, the original movie back in the 1970s, was because it was new and fresh, science fiction not being a big box office seller up to that point and because Lucas for once used a winning proven formula. The good guy, the bad guy, some comic relief, an old mentor passing on the torch, and the good guys won in the end. A classic story line. It’s what made Errol Flynn such a hero of the silver screen. It’s what made every action adventure film work. The protagonist, the antagonist, and the dame in distress. Hell even the Greeks used the formula, just look at the Odyssey or the Iliad. Although I personally believe Helen of Troy was a slut; but, that’s a different rant for another time. If given a choice I would want a bit of human drama and not so many flashy light saber battles in my sci-fi. The future doesn’t have to be so dry and mechanical. A perfect example was the Babylon 5 series it relied on the continuing interaction of the main characters and we grew with them, as we understood them more and more. Or the Stargate series or Far Scape. Once again the human element is as important as the rest of the story itself. Sure you can splash it up with all sorts of science 'doodads' but it all boils down to storyline if you want it to be an interesting story.