Andrews Rants

PET PEEVES

Everyone has their pet peeves and hang-ups. It's just part of being human. Some people let it affect them more than others and anyone that has a mother, which I hope was most of us, knows they have a built in ability to find that button to push and send you off the deep end into screaming incoherence quicker than any other person on the planet. The only other people who have that same ability are wives but it takes them time to develop the skill whereas moms seem to be able to do it instinctively. Anyway I thought I would try a bit of a cathartic exercise and try to overcome some of my hang-ups by writing them down and sharing them with the world. Even if it doesn’t make me feel better it will let the rest of the populace know in advance what pisses me off and what they should avoid when they are around me.

Babies crying in movie theaters. Now don’t get me wrong I love kids. I was one myself once and I have a wonderful son who is a delight to me. But why, oh why, do young couples take infants into the movies? I am not talking about the latest Disney movie and the audience is full of kids of all ages. That is the targeted audience and it’s normal for kids to be there. I’m talking about grown up movies. No not adult X rated movies but grown up movies where there is a lot of suspense, car chases, and gratuitous sex and violence. I’m setting there in the theater and waiting for the new Van Helsing movie to start. My 15 year old son and I have been looking forward to it for weeks. In comes a set of former DINKs. That’s Double Income No Kids (DINK). Like I said former. Evidentially they decided to spread their genetic code around and cranked out not one but two little piles of genetic refuse. One was 3 and the other was about a year and a half. They sat right in front of us and immediately the little boy the 3 year old began to shrill in an ear drum piercing squeal how he wanted candy. Then it was the restroom and a spilled drink and a change of diapers and then out for popcorn which was flourished liberally around the theater as the kid ran wild up and down the aisles yelling and all of this was before the previews started. The younger kid slept blissfully unaware in his mother's arms as the father was up and down after drinks and popcorn or chasing the brat. Behind us I caught a smell of poo and turned to see another set of ex-DINKs with a little bundle of joy in a car seat setting next to them. I wondered if they actually bought the ticket for the car seat to occupy that space or if they were just mooching it hoping the theater wouldn’t be crowded enough to raise the question. The kid had obviously shit its diaper and the odor was rank but both of the former yuppies were oblivious to the stench. The movie started and immediately both sleeping infants burst into terrified screams as the Dolby surround sound assaulted them at a volume they were not accustomed to. To give them credit they wailed out over the blasting explosions and loud gunfire in the first preview. I was hoping that they would quiet down by the time the movie started or that the Cleavers would have enough decorum to extract the screaming infants from the theater so that the rest of the paying customers could enjoy the show. But no, they stayed, the babies erupting into stereo wails at every new monster or loud noise. I was being assaulted by wafting poo odor and two infants crying in terror while the toddler shrilled out his screams so loudly that a police siren by comparison would have sounded muted. Not once did either set of parents do anything more than attempt a pacifier in the mouth to rectify the situation. My son and I finally got up and left. It was useless trying to listen to the movie with all the noise and the smell. Why on earth would you take an infant to see that type of a show? Were the yuppies so stupid that they thought the kids would enjoy it or perhaps they couldn’t find a sitter and really felt the need to get out and do something? Something like ruin my evening. Please keep your little screaming bastards out of grown up movies and take them to see Barney. When they get older take them to see more mature movies. Like I was trying to do with my kid.

This same principal can be applied equally to restaurants as well. No one wants a 5 year old you don’t know trying to snatch food from your plate while the parents look on beatifically thinking it’s cute that "little Tommy is making friends". No one wants to be setting in a fine establishment and have to listen to an infant crying non-stop while they are trying to enjoy a candle lit dinner. I’m not talking about McDonald’s or the local "All you can Eat Buffet". That’s supposed to be a family atmosphere. Like I said, I am not a person who dislikes kids. But there are some places that are grown up and the young couples who want to show off their progeny should have enough manners and social decorum to understand that the rest of us would rather not have to have our evening disturbed by their inconsideration. There are enough places for just that type of situation. Take the kid to Chuckey Cheese and let it run wild but don’t, oh please don’t, make me come over there and have to ask you to make the little shit leave me alone as he runs up and down the aisles dumping glasses of water in the floor. If I had acted like that as a child my parents would have stomped a mud hole through me. It’s not the kid’s fault they are just being kids. No it’s the parents fault for not being parents and still wanting to be kids themselves. The generation of young adults I see out there today with their rapper MTV background display an astounding lack of social skills and manners. I am frightened by what their children will turn out to act like. Hopefully I will be long gone by that point.