Andrews Rants

MUSH MOUTH

I grew up in Hazard Kentucky as did most of you reading this rant and I have never had much trouble understanding the speech and various dialects of different regions in this country until I moved to upper east Tennessee. I have lived in Arkansas, Louisiana, Arizona, Kentucky, and briefly in California. But never have I had such a communication problem as I now have in Johnson City, TN. I am serious I have visited nearly every state in the union and have been to 11 different countries, I even lived in Indonesia for a while but the inability of the natives of this area to speak intelligibly is amazing.

What I'm referring to is what I call the 'Mush Mouth'. And now my kid has it. Half the time I have no idea what the hell he is saying. For instance I will say Ethan are you hungry and the response is “ imdunnofo wannambrgr “. What the hell does that mean? When I answer the phone at work I say “Thank you for calling the Sleepzone this is Thomas can I help you” Short to the point and it tells the caller where they have reached, who they are talking to and that I am there to assist them in clear concise English enunciated as best as that old bat Mrs. Bassie could train into me in the 7th and 8th grade. But if I call Lowes for instance I get some slack ass that is so tired of answering the phone for the millionth time that they just slur the words out in an unintelligible garble. “ thnkfrclnglwscnihlpu” What the crap is this, a disease of the brain, and mouth. Have they no gumption to care if they sound like a Neanderthal or not.

I ride my kid about it constantly and won’t even respond to him unless I can understand him. My wife says that I need to relax and try to realize that people here are a little more lax in their diction. I think if they got any more lax they would regress to a primordial state and use pseudo feet to ambulate rather than walk.

Speak up America so I can understand you, don’t fall victim to the mush mouth. Remember people judge you on how you sound no matter if it’s fair or not. If you sound like a moron then they will treat you like a moron.