Andrew's Rants.

WOULD YOU LIKE FRIES WITH THAT?

Things that piss me off ... at the top of the list with Crying Babies in Movie Theaters and people who leave the door open when the air conditioning is on; are Fast Food Drive-Thru's that have people working who refuse to listen to your order. I hate it when you drive up and they ask can I take your order, and when you start to give it they say, "Wait just a moment please." and leave you setting there for 8 to 10 minutes waiting for them to come back and take your order. Why did they ask if they could take your order if they weren’t ready to begin with? Then they place those little Concrete Barriers on the perimeter of the Drive Thru so if you get tired of waiting you can’t leave but have to continue waiting in line like cattle until you get some response or the line moves on. You either have to risk tearing out your oil pan driving over the 4 to 6 inch barrier or wait until you get up to the window and by that time you figure, "Well I am already here, I might as well go on ahead and get the order now no matter how badly they have screwed it up". Or in the case of some people they feel intimidated now that they are facing a real human being and buckle-under rather than saying, "You have made this whole experience so unpleasant and I now refuse to eat here or pay for this slop." ... and drive off.

I hate it when you are giving your order and the person taking it keeps interrupting to ask questions. "Do you want that extra crispy or original recipe?" "Do you want everything on that or just mayo?" Well, if you would just shut the hell up! I will tell you dick head. Shut the pie hole you call a mouth and listen that’s what they are paying you for. To listen to my order. I wouldn’t be here giving it to you if I didn’t already know what I wanted and you keep interrupting me.

I hate it when you start the order and ask for something out of the ordinary. Something like a drink with no ice. The speaker box gets quiet and at the end of your order it says, "Can you repeat that". What the whole order? Which part didn’t you understand? Usually in this case someone else comes on over the speaker
who is usually the Supervisor and says, "Can you repeat that order please". What? You had someone on the line taking orders who didn’t speak English. It was a test? What happened to the first person?

I hate it when they try to use suggestive sales and say something like, “Do you want fries with that?” or “Do you want to Super Size that?” or “Do you want the Combo?” Hell no! If I wanted some of the greasy nasty fries I would have ordered some. It’s not like I forgot about them with the 18 inch high glossy photo of them here on the menu staring me back in the face the whole time I placed my order. No, I don’t want fries with that. In fact, for the past few years I have adopted an ordering method of saying “... and that will be all” at the end of my order. That means I don’t want anything else, that’s all I want, finished end of the order, no more. When they rejoin with “Would you like two apple pies for only 99 cents?” I say, "What?” They repeat themselves and I say, "What?” This continues until they get confused, which isn’t very long, than I say, "Did you get my order?" and they say, "Yes". I ask, "Did you understand it?" They say, "Yes". I then ask them, "Did I order an apple pie?" they say, "No". I ask in my best dad-voice explaining a simple obvious fact to an idiot child, “Then don’t you think I would have ordered an apple pie if I wanted one?” In these situations I know they are going to spit in my food so I then cancel the order and drive off.

I hate it when the speaker is so garbled all you hear is "AaaaaKKkkpphhtt" or "Ggghhbbllxx". You have to yell louder and louder trying in vain to be heard and then when you think they have it right as you try to interpret the garbled sounds emanating from the speaker you realize they have no idea what you want and there is no way in hell you are getting whatever it was that you ordered.

I hate it when you give the order and they repeat it back to you and it has no relationship to what you just told them. Thus ensues a minute’s long, back and fourth banter to try to unravel the verbal jigsaw puzzle that is your order. How hard can it be? Are there really that many stupid people in the world? No wait; don’t answer that it will just depress me.

I hate it when you drive off and open the bag after the ordeal of ordering has been accomplished like a Medieval Battle in Full Plate Mail Armor and it’s the wrong order. It’s like the whole ordering process had absolutely nothing to do with what you actually got. You then either eat what they decided to give you because you are in a hurry, or you get out and go in and try to find someone who works behind the counter with at least a little spark of intelligence behind their eyes. Trust me; it’s easier to just eat the wrong order. There’s no one in there with higher than a room temperature IQ.

I hate it when they say, "Sir, it’s going to be a few moments ... can you pull forward and we will bring it out to you?". I always say, "No, I can’t do that because you will just forget about me or hope that I become tired of waiting." and drive away. "I am setting right here until I get the order I paid for". They usually come back with, "You are holding up the line." and I say, "No, you are because instead of getting back there and fixing my freaking food you are wasting time here arguing with me and I am not about to move until I get my order." That usually speeds them on their way.

What I really hate the most though is when you pay for a 5 or 6 dollar order with a twenty and get back change for a ten. When you bring it to their attention they deny it and when escalated to the manager they usually say they will check the drawer at the end of the shift and if it is over they will send you your change. Right, like the 3 card Monte in Drive Thru won’t have pocketed the difference by then. This has happened to me on so many occasions I now perform a special little adjustment to the 20 or 50 I am paying with. I tear off a ragged small chunk from the corner and lay it on the seat beside me. When the situation arises I have the manager pull out all of the 20s or 50s and have them select the one with the chunk out of the corner. I then hand them my piece which fits perfectly. They get embarrassed and stutter around and give me the remainder of my change. In those situations I hope the little turds responsible lose their jobs, go broke, get evicted out of their apartments, and die cold hungry and alone in a ditch on the bad side of town with no sympathy
from anyone except the local Sterno Bum.

Most people are cattle and just suck it up rather than voice their displeasure at how bad the service is. That’s why I drive a F150. Screw the little concrete barriers. I drive over them. Or I will go up to the window and ask to speak to the manager who is more often than not a pimply faced teen who really doesn’t care because he is in a dead end job supervising people who are slinging grill scabs for a living. Just remember, you are the consumer not a victim. When a Drive Thru treats you like a heard animal ... stand up for yourself.