Andrews Rants

STOPPING FOR THE DEAD

Why is it people stop for funerals? I know what most people say, "It’s to show respect for the dead". They’re dead, they don’t care. They needed respect when they were alive. If you're that concerned with showing respect then the next time you are honking your horn in frustration at a stupid driver or flipping someone, who you don’t know, the finger because they cut you off, remember that so called "need to show respect". The next time you see a Homeless Person pushing a cart or sleeping on a Park Bench show some of that 'respect' by helping them get back on their feet. What you don’t need to do is bow up in front of me at 50 miles an hour and come to a screeching halt because some dead guy is passing you in a hearse on the opposite side of a 4 lane restricted access highway. This causes wrecks and deaths.

This is the situation. I spend half of my life waiting at Red Lights and trying to get around some of the 'Room Temperature IQ Morons' out there who have managed to pass the DMV’s Drivers License Test, or trying to avoid being hit by 'aging geriatrics' peering myopically over their steering wheel while driving a 20 ton Land Yacht. These people make my life miserable and they are the very ones who will slow you down on the way to work when you are 10 minutes late. They are also the very same morons who will slam on their brakes at the first sight of a funeral procession. It’s not the law that you have to do this. I’m not saying blast past at 80 miles per hour and play loud music but just keep going the same speed and go around them. For God's sake, don’t slam on the brakes, someone might be behind you and let me give you a real big hint: The guy is dead ... he has all the time in the world to get there. I, on the other hand, don’t have that luxury.

It’s the same with School Busses and Ambulances. If they are on the other side of the road going in the opposite direction don’t freaking stop. Just keep going you stupid Snapper Heads. Sure if the School Bus is stopped with its sign out unloading kids you need to stop as well or if the Ambulance is coming up behind you then get out of the way but not if they are coming from the opposite direction. Just the other day I went around a funeral procession that was going 3 miles an hour and my wife gave me hell about it and several other motorist honked at me. It was two lanes going in the same direction and they were only using one so why shouldn’t those of us with life still in us, and a schedule to meet, use that other lane. But of course, I had to stop at the next light and here comes the hearse with its 3 block-long tail. They just drive right on through the intersection and ignore the Red Light and sure enough a Water Delivery Truck has to slam on its breaks to avoid smashing into one of the cars in the procession as it sails leisurely through the intersection ignoring the Red Light. A car then slams into the back of the Water Truck and the hood crumples up like an accordion. Aren’t they supposed to have police escorts when they run lights? And if they are in such a hurry to get there that they have to run a light, then why the hell don’t they drive any faster that the snail crawl they barely manage? 'Show respect for the living', I say and follow the normal traffic safety laws just like the rest of us have to. You don’t see me getting a group of friends together and parading around town causing traffic problems. Oh No, we would get a ticket so fast it would make your head spin. No, I think it’s a plot by the Funeral Directors to generate more business. They are hoping that people will get killed so that they will have more dead bodies piling up from all the car crashes they are causing.

So in conclusion, just remember the stiff in the lead is dead. More than likely you didn’t even know him and wouldn’t have said 'Hi' to them if you passed on the street. Why on earth do you feel the need now, when they are dead, to show some amount of false respect for someone? Just keep on going because I might be behind you and from now on ... I’m not stopping. That’s right, from this point on all you Snapper Heads out there in love with your brake pedal and a false sense of propriety just remember that big F150 in the rear view mirror with the rail road tie for a bumper is not stopping. So either get busy driving or get busy being dead ... your choice. Who knows perhaps I might even slow down a little for your funeral ... but I doubt it.